The first time I got pregnant, I was only 20 years old. I thought, “You get married, and then you have babies.”
Thinking about my gorgeous 10 year old daughter and my beautiful 8 year old son today, I honestly would not have it any other way. I am endlessly grateful these incredible souls are in my life.
I can’t lie, though. There were some hard years that followed those pregnancies and births. Mostly because I was not connected to my own inner truth or my body in the way that I am now.
I felt really lost.
After the birth of my son, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but truthfully, I had been feeling like that for a long time.
My diagnosis forced me to take a really good look at myself. Instead of running away, which I had been trying to do for several years, I knew I had to run toward myself. Towards all of the parts of me, even the dark ones.
When I started my boudoir photography business, I asked my husband to do a session for me. I wanted to experience what my clients were thinking and feeling when I photographed them. There was a picture that he took of me completely nude. I was laying on my side and it was a gorgeous, full-length shot of me from the back.
I looked at that picture with such amazement.
It was really so beautiful. I had never seen myself in that way before. Especially during a time that was emotionally difficult for me, I was really appreciative of the opportunity to see myself from this perspective. It shed a light during a really dark time and helped me shift my mindset as I continued to grow my business...
Fast forward 7 years.
After a lot of healing and growth, my husband and I decided we really wanted to bring another little soul into the world.
This time, everything was different.
Just the fact that we were more rooted in ourselves and made our own decision about another baby, without factoring in what others would think about us or what society expects of us, was so empowering.
Over the years, I learned a lot about what it meant to really love myself. I knew that through this pregnancy I needed to hyper focus on self-care to feel good, but also for my physical and mental health. Self-care for the sake of self-care was not on my radar 10 years ago, but now, I knew how important it was, and I made it a priority.
This maternity boudoir session was something I dreamed about for years, and it was something that I considered a part of my self-care and emotional journey. I even joked that I had to get pregnant again JUST so that I could do a maternity session, which I hadn’t done for my first two pregnancies!
Even though I’m generally not a beach person (you can find me in a forest or the mountains any day of the week), the beach was calling my name for this shoot. I imagined myself curvy, embodied, and free alongside the ocean.
My daughter who wasn’t yet born, is named Ma’ayan, which literally translates to “a spring of water” in Hebrew. She was also named after my late grandmother Mary, who was often referred to as Queen of Sea for love of travel and the beach.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but this shoot was truly for my daughter and created with her essence. The element of water was truly healing. It even played a role in my actual labor and birth, from a meditative bath to an actual leak in our attic to my water breaking shortly after the Sabbath arrived. Water flowed through me, for me and for this precious new life being brought into the world.
When I look at these pictures, I am so proud of the woman I became since my first pregnancy. I am so in awe of myself and my body.
After women have babies, there is this term that everybody uses. “Getting your body back.”
“I hope I get my body back.”
“Don’t worry. It will take time, but you’ll get your body back.”
“I never got my body back.”
Actually, I resonate with the last phrase the most. Through pregnancies, my body completely transformed each time. It didn’t get worse. And it definitely didn’t need to be fixed.
I don’t want my body back.
What my body became was so much more beautiful, so much more awesome, so much more resilient than ever before…
Hair and makeup by Jaquelyn Lawrence
Photography by Yehoshua Sigala
