All Women are Beautiful | Tel Aviv Boudoir : Sheerle

When I came across Sheerle's Instagram page, I could literally feel her sensual, goddess-y, Divine feminine energy coming from the screen. It wasn’t only her breathtaking beauty that struck me, it was the way that she honored her body and her being. It was the unapologetic way that she embraced her womanhood with love and confidence. I sensed it was coming from a deep place, a place where she’d been through shit and came out stronger on the other side.

In the past I’ve told people, “I don’t photograph models, I photograph real women.” Well, funny enough, models ARE real women.

Some may fit more into the imposed beauty standard, but we still don’t see the full picture when we open up a magazine. We generally don’t see stretchmarks and body hair. We don’t see women with bare faces. We don’t see the layers of body image issues, eating disorders, trauma, or other struggles that this woman may have gone through.

So while Sheerle has modeled professionally over the years, this shoot wasn’t about working or selling anything or fitting any of kind of mold. It was about creating a space for her to embrace her femininity on an even deeper level.

It was about her saying, “I don’t want any makeup,” and me supporting that.

It was about her saying, “fuck it, I don’t want to shave my armpits today.”

It was about her connecting, moving, feeling, and appreciating how far she’s come on her journey…

Sheerle is incredibly insightful and has so much wisdom to offer the world.

I was honored to able to sit down and ask her a few questions about this special experience we shared together.

Sheerle said, “Photography in the past has actually been traumatic for me. I’ve had photographers who didn’t respect me or the art we created together so I’ve learned to really be specific about who I work with.

I use photography as a way to document my journey but as well as share it with others. It’s a glimpse into my essence.”

How was this session different than those traumatic experiences you’ve gone through?

”Firstly, I loveeeeeeed that you were or are religious and a woman.

It was a dream being able to find commonality and passion for liberation of women and their bodies.

Before the session, I felt excited. During I felt soooo comfortable and seen and beautiful. And after I felt really free and beyond happy with the outcome.

I feel I gained a deeper sense of sisterhood.

I really loved that you, Rhonda, and I were a team of badass women and our intention behind the creation was just love for our bodies and to create art out of that love.

When I saw the pictures the first time, I was honestly shocked at how incredible they turned out. Being captured by a woman is so different than men. I felt you captured a more wholesome version of me whereas with many men they capture the version of me that they see which tends to only be sexy.”

What message do you hope these images convey to women?

“I hope my images will convey self-love.

Despite what your body looks like, it’s still your home. If you can start loving your home now you’re more likely to take the steps that feel aligned with you to truly honor it. But it first starts with being able to say you love your body.”

That is so beautiful. Can you tell me a little bit more about your relationship with your body hair? I really loved that you chose to embrace it for this session.

“So I believe all of us have body hair shaming deeply engrained in us, and I am a truth searcher.

I always ask myself, do I truly believe this or this societal programming? With the body hair, I came to understand it’s both. I love having no armpit hair, but I also love not shaving.

I like spending my precious time doing other things honestly. Just like men are accepted with hairless chests or hairy chests women should Have the same freedoms. It comes down to you making up your mind that despite what anyone else thinks you’re going to be okay with yourself.”

How did you feel about posting these images or posting nude images in general?

“I’ve done a lot of work around judgement and nudity. I overcame it a long time ago, and these days the people who don’t like it have already unfollowed me and created space for new followers who truly love me for me to enter. My followers are amazing and respectful and for the few who aren’t I try to communicate kindly, but if I see they don’t respect me, I just block them and move on with my life.”

After this experience, I recommend your services to every woman I meet.

Mainly because you have a gift in bringing out the beauty in every woman.

I truly believe all women are beautiful, but when they don’t see it in themselves, they don’t know how to express it to the world.

You have this gift of bringing it out.”

Hair by Beauty by Rhonda

Follow Sheerle @sheerle.dove

Kodak Film // Processed and scanned by Panda Labs

Being Authentic | Israel Boudoir

B came to my home studio in Efrat, Israel this past February. Her boudoir consultation was just a few weeks beforehand, and I remember thinking, “Wow, this is going to be a really special session.”

She saw her session as having a few different purposes.

Firstly, as a gift to her husband for their upcoming anniversary and his birthday, but also as a gift to herself. I related to her feelings, being an entrepreneur and a mother, and wanting to reclaim and celebrate this sensual side of ourselves.

After doing her boudoir session and gifting a keepsake album and a love letter, designed by Malka Klein, to her husband, B allowed me to share her images. We talked a lot about what that meant for her as a business owner and social media strategist.

As a woman in the online world, where do you draw the line between business and personal?

Was sharing her boudoir session something that would change the way her clients saw her?

Would it have any negative repercussions?

This is something that every business owner can relate to, and we knew we had to talk about this in a live conversation. So we did!

The interview I am sharing with you below is a transcription of our live conversation this past April along with the absolutely stunning results of B’s session…

B: I’ve been following you for a long time, and I love what you do, and I always really wanted to do it. The stars aligned, and I was ready. I am in a new place with my body since having my son. It’s not a place of dislike at all, it’s just a place of change. Which is inevitable for everyone, but I never had to deal with that before. 

Until I had my son I hadn’t ever experienced that. I was the “lucky” one, I didn’t have fluctuations in weight. I never had to think about my body. This change has pushed me to pay attention to my body in a good way. I have to pay attention to my body and what it needs. I need to exercise, not just because I “have” to, but because it brings me something positive in my life. 

I’ve never felt as sure as myself as I do now, and I think that comes with age. It’s kind of funny that with age we are more aware of who we are and at the same time we associate aging with this degradation of our bodies.

Rebecca: I think it’s because of how society views aging and our bodies. We think we’re supposed to stay within this “young, hot ideal,” and we can’t accept a wrinkle. It really is interesting that you generally end up feeling better about your body as you age, if you are working on yourself.

B: I’ve done shoots in my business over the past year, and they have totally changed the way I see myself as a business owner. I wanted to experience that but on a more personal level. My dating anniversary and my husband’s birthday were coming up, and the timing just aligned and I went for it. 

The process of preparing for the session was also therapeutic and forced me to look at where I’m at with all this stuff. I really enjoyed the whole experience. I’m a little bit obsessed with myself. I can’t stop looking at the pictures. It’s been fun. 

The gift to my husband was more like, “This is the gift of where I’m at.” I want you to see it, and see that I see it too. It was a bit of a celebration of that, and it was a really powerful gift. I’m really happy that I did it. 

Then the conversation of “Can I share?” came up, and now we’re talking about a whole different part of my life…

Rebecca: On one hand it was a private and emotional experience that you wanted, and on the other hand it was exciting to be able to share these images. What was your first reaction when I asked you if I could share the images from your session?

B: My first reaction was, “Yes! I want everyone to see them. I love these pictures!” Not in a way that I want everyone to see me naked kind of way. Trust me, I don’t. But I consciously try to bring my full self to my business. What I do and encourage other people to do is believe that you are the only thing in your business that is unique. I know it’s cliché, but it’s so true. There is no part of me or my life that I should be ashamed of in my business or that doesn’t align in my business or doesn’t help bring my ideal customers to me. I’m thinking, “Ok, a lot of my customers are modest, religious, modern Orthodox.” There could be, and, maybe there is, a lot of judgment for this.

I want to be present here in Israel for the customers I know and understand and relate to. Part of that is knowing that I can only do that if I bring my full self. I can only understand and relate to those people if I actually bring my full self.

Continued…

B: From a business perspective, I do curate. The process of being my authentic self and still presenting myself online is difficult and ever-changing. It’s a question that comes up a lot from my clients. If you’re not sure what to post, you should look at your business goals, and ask yourself if this piece will help you progress towards your goal. “Do these things help me towards my business goals?”

This conversation was difficult for me because part of me was screaming, “This is an important conversation, this needs to be shared. This is an integral part of who you are right now.” Yet, if I really look at it in a rational way, sharing my boudoir pictures doesn’t push me towards my goal. If anything, it could have a negative effect. I sat with that for a moment and thought, “If there’s a part of me that could have a negative effect on my business then my business isn’t a proper representation of who I am.” For me, one of my goals is to be 100% my full self and honest. When someone comes up to me and says, “OMG, Bridie, you’re doing so many things, you’re so successful.” My response is, “I’m really tired, and today is really hard.” I’ve always been that way. People are pretty surprised about how honest I am.

Rebecca: I’ve found that showing up in that way really helps propel our business forward. At the beginning of my business, I was hesitant about sharing my full self online. I would show the parts of me that looked the most successful and like I had my shit together. I wouldn’t want to show other parts of me because I thought people would run away or they wouldn’t want to pay me or they wouldn’t think I was good at my job. I really felt like the more I ended up sharing with people, the more they related to me. We’re all human. We all have strengths and weaknesses. We all have dark parts. To be able to embrace that messiness and vulnerability is so beautiful, and it’s a part of what I try to offer women through boudoir. I asked myself, “How could I not show up as that authentic person?” Even for myself, it wasn’t always easy to share my own boudoir images, so I really understand what you went through. It’s a different experience when I share pictures of other women versus pictures of myself because my entire personal network is following me. I do sometimes get backlash for sharing pictures of myself. Yet, I have always felt that my purpose is larger than my fear. My purpose is to help women not feel alone in their struggles and have a space where they can be messy, vulnerable, and real. That’s what I want to provide women. So I knew I had to show up in that way myself. 

B: I relate to that to some extent. So much of what I do for myself and my brand is not applicable to other businesses. My job is to be a bit of a chameleon, to step into other people’s businesses and see who they are and what their business needs and help them structure a strategy around that. What I do in my personal life or how I feel has nothing to do with anything really. 

Rebecca: Right, like you’re not going to step into someone’s business and say “Post your boudoir pictures!”

B: Haha, totally. “We need Rebecca in here, stat!” No, I don’t know if I’ll ever make that recommendation.

B: But the truth is, this question comes up in many other forms. 

People ask, “Can you show me an example of other companies like us that you’ve worked with in the past?”

My answer is, that I’ve got loads of examples, but if you want someone who is an expert in your field, that’s not me, and for good reason. The reason that you hire me is because I can come into any type of business, any structure, any stage of the process and help you push that forward. That is my skill set, that I am the chameleon.

I don’t need to live by what I do for other people. I used to think that I did. I used to be worried about how many followers on Instagram. “How can I promise somebody that I’ll help them get to 5k followers when I don’t have 5k followers?”

Rebecca: This is the question of all time for business owners. I’ve asked myself, “How can I help women with self-love if I don’t fully love myself or if they’re parts of me that still need to heal?” But I feel that the space that we have where we still need to grow only helps our clients more. 

B: 100%. If there was an expert in any field, who says, “I have everything figured out.” That is BS. Run. Run. Run. 

People who are more willing to show their vulnerability and growth helps people understand how they might be able to grow and learn. The truth is we’re all just humans growing and progressing every day. I think it’s about time we stop thinking our businesses are stagnant, stand-alone machines, that have a set thing, and that’s the end of the story. That’s not the end of the story. Every business is learning and growing, just as much as the people inside. 

Rebecca: Have you seen a change in your business growth as you’ve become more authentic in yourself? 

Br: Yes, 100%! It’s enabled me to feel free enough to go with whatever my gut wants to do. I’m a strategist so I always think about everything as logically as possible, but there’s always a certain amount of intuition and gut feeling and emotion that goes into it. 

The truth is that as I was thinking about it more, it’s about owning exactly who we are and all the wonderful things we bring to the table. In motherhood, we’re quite happy to celebrate how moms are the best, and dads just don’t have the instinct. But then in the workplace all of the things that make us amazing mothers are all of a sudden problematic. I don’t know if that’s a society thing, or if that’s constructed by men, or the institution or what. I'm not blaming anyone. I think we need to take responsibility as women, especially in the most recent decades. We need to be thinking about this stuff and aware of who we are as humans and what we bring to the table. I want to own my business exactly as I am. I am a woman. If I attract more women clients, that's fine. I like orange, I like pink, I like warm green. Those are my brand colors. If those vibes or my content is off-putting men, cool. I haven’t found it to be, by the way. I am not trying to neutralize myself to speak to a larger market. Also, I’m not trying to speak to just women. I’m just being as much as myself and bringing all my amazing qualities to the table. As I’ve been more authentic online, I do see my business growing.

Rebecca: Did anyone have a reaction to you posting your boudoir pictures on Instagram?

B: So I asked questions beforehand, and I asked questions like: Would you share pictures like this? How do you feel when you see me sharing these pictures? Tell me honestly what was the first thought that came to your mind when you saw these.

Everyone was really kind. Some people did say I would never do this personally. Most people said I think you’re super brave, and these are gorgeous. I really appreciated people saying that because it was a vulnerable moment for me. But you know what? I actually would have really loved to have a response from someone who felt like they could be honest about the other side of it. Did people see that and go, “She’s a B2B marketing professional. Why is she standing in her underwear?” It doesn’t make sense. But at the same time, if you know me, it makes complete sense. I am genuinely curious to know how it made people feel. 

Rebecca: I think it’s important to put things out there that are authentically you, and then be open to having meaningful conversations. We both have online communities. To be able to talk about women empowerment, honor different opinions, and each person’s unique journey while still being respectful is important. At the end of the day, I believe that women empowerment is about whatever empowers you as an individual. To be able to respect someone else's journey is key. For some women covering their hair and dressing modestly is empowering, and that makes me so happy they have the tools to do that for themselves. For other women, undressing and showing their bodies is really empowering. For me, sharing boudoir pictures is really empowering not only because of being more free in my body but also because of the value I hold that I think it’s important that we see many different body types in the media. The problem with the way it is now is that we are seeing such a narrow view of beauty. When my clients allow me to share their pictures, I get excited because it’s one more body that’s not photoshopped, at all different points in life, that women get to see. It’s not just about sexiness, it’s about the whole journey and the deeper meaning behind it. 

B: Yes! Me seeing another body type in the way that your pictures portray them is really important. All bodies that we’ve seen that are listed as beautiful are of a certain type. Seeing more of everything in a gorgeous light quiets the judgmental voice we all have inside of us. I think that’s super important and it’s all-important that we see ourselves that way, at least once in their lives. How often does somebody get a picture of you by accident that you love?

This is an opportunity to see yourself through someone else’s eyes. 

Hair and makeup by Beauty By Rhonda

Love Letter calligraphy and creation by Malka Klein

I hated my boudoir pictures | Jerusalem Boudoir : Rachel

In Rachel’s own words, “For a number of years, I've struggled with body dysmorphia, self-harm, eating disorders, and general insecurity about the way I look. I took this to extremes in some harmful ways, and when I was in college, I ended up modeling for friends and local photographers, some of which involved me exposing parts of my body I avoided looking at too closely. While I was often uncomfortable, if not downright miserable, in the midst of the shoot, the images afterwards allowed me to see myself in both a more objective and flattering light. Obviously the editing, professional makeup, and choreographed poses didn't hurt, but it made me realize just how much of what I saw on social media was the result of careful lighting and sometimes painful posing in addition to high-level edits and curated lives.

As someone that works in social media and spends a lot of time on these platforms, the body positivity movement and influencers being more transparent helped me shift my view from "I hate my stomach/arms/whatever" to a more neutral "My stomach/arms/whatever are just a body part.” This boudoir session, along with shifting to a more healthy exercise routine and a focus on intuitive eating, were all meant to move the needle closer to self-acceptance, and hopefully self-love.

The amount of time and money and energy I've wasted worrying about flaws that others don't even notice is staggering…”

I’m going to go back and forth between Rachel’s experience and my own perspective throughout this blog post.

Me: Personally, I strongly identify with Rachel’s story. I struggled with my sense of self-worth and hated the way my body looked for many years. I can also appreciate the desire to be photographed and see our bodies from another perspective. I actually did some photoshoots of my own in high school, and I remember being persuaded by a creepy old man to get completely topless and tape my breasts up so they looked a certain way. Looking back to that experience, I wouldn’t say it was a big “T” trauma, but it is definitely something that I would not want any women to have to go through. Part of what I offer women is the exact opposite of that experience, reclaiming their bodies and sexuality for themselves.

I love that part of Rachel’s healing journey is through social media, which is often the villain, and rightly so. I, too, have found inspiration in seeing body diversity and acceptance online. As a boudoir photographer, I have seen thousands of bodies, each beautiful in their own unique way. It is what has led me towards the body positive movement and becoming passionate about posting my images online. I understand the power of social media, and I choose to use it to help women and love and accept their bodies as they are.

Rachel: Since I had done photoshoots in the past, I didn't expect to feel so awkward this time! The first few shots, my heart was pounding, and I couldn't stop worrying about how one angle or another would make me look. After that, it all melted away and the session flew by. Rebecca was amazing in every way, and could not have made me feel more comfortable with her.

Rachel: When I first saw the final images, I honestly hated them.

I hated seeing my body fully exposed, especially since I've been dealing with some weight gain (thanks Corona), and that pulled a lot of old issues to the surface.

Rachel: I put the images aside, and went back to look at them as if I were seeing photos of a stranger. And then I loved them.

The way that Rebecca captured me was unexpected, even though I knew what poses I was in, and the outfits I had worn.

It took months for me to look at the photos without cringing or seeing only flaws, but the more I looked at them and saw other aspects: the rich colors, the interplay of shapes, the more I was able to appreciate them.

My boyfriend thought they were all great, and we definitely had a hard time choosing the final images.

Rebecca: A few years ago I would have hard a hard time publicizing that one of my clients opened their gallery for the first time and hated their pictures. Even now, when Rachel told me that, my heart pounded a little bit. My goal has always been to create the most beautiful images my clients have ever seen of themselves, pieces of art that will last forever. And when I look at Rachel, I see such a gorgeous woman. Knowing her story, I so badly wanted her to see that too.

Yet, I know her experience is vital for women to understand about boudoir photography and the ever evolving journey of self-love. When we go decades of hating and punishing our bodies to fit into this societal mold of beauty, we can’t undo it all in one day. I ask women to look at their boudoir sessions as part of their journey towards body acceptance and self-love. It’s not the end all be all, but nothing is. I guess it’s scary to think that there isn’t one “cure" for body insecurities or body dysmorphia, but I take solace in knowing that the journey is meant to teach us new things about ourselves on each new level of self-love.

When I look back at my own life and my healing process, I am so grateful for where I am today. If I hadn’t been working on myself all of these years, I don’t even want to know where I would be.

The fact that Rachel hated her pictures at first, but then went back to them and loved them is a huge milestone! We’ve been conditioned to look at our “flaws” first, but instead of rejecting herself altogether, Rachel decided to use this session as a tool for shifting her perspective. I think that is so effing beautiful and courageous.

When I asked Rachel if this experience changed her perspective of herself, she said, “It showed me just how much more work I have to do with body image issues, and how far I have to go on my journey.

I think that this boudoir session was a key part of my self-work, and I have no regrets doing the shoot. I'm hoping to do another one soon.”

Rachel: My advice for women dealing with insecurities is to face them head on. Wear a crop top that makes you feel exposed, put on the lingerie that you’re unsure about, run down the beach without a cover up. You might feel shame or embarrassment or worry the first time or the first 10 times, and then you’ll realize your world won’t explode.

I would definitely recommend a boudoir session to anyone that's ever struggled with seeing themselves as beautiful. I would also recommend it to women that have never had control over professional images taken of their bodies, or that have never taken the time to give themselves a gift that's only for them.

Hair and Makeup by Malkah Esther Botnick

Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse | Interview

Rebecca: When I saw that it was sexual assault awareness month, I immediately thought of you because you were a recent, beautiful boudoir client of mine, and you had told me that you experienced childhood sexual abuse. I wanted to do this interview with you to bring more awareness to this very unfortunate reality of the world. I’m so thankful to you for being here with me.

Rebecca: Before we go into your story, why is the awareness of sexual assault important to you personally?

Anonymous: I love anything that brings awareness to things that impact so many people. You don’t even realize how many people this impacts. You’ll read things or see memes that say “Someone you know might be struggling with this.” But really, it’s someone you know. 

Rebecca: Right. 1 out of every 5 women have or will be raped. 1 out of every 3 experienced some form of sexual assault. And virtually every woman has been sexually harassed. It’s staggering. 

Anonymous: And the statistics are underreported.  I’m only very recently speaking about it at all. Even for me, only my family knows and one friend. 

I feel that there are so many situations that come up where I wish I could explain why I’m telling you what I’m telling you. For women who have been through it, it’s important that they know there are people who understand what they’re going through. It’s also important to prevent this for our kids and for the people we know who are not yet a statistic, from becoming that. The more we talk about it and are aware of how much a reality it is, the more of a chance we have at lowering those numbers. 

Rebecca: I completely agree with you. So I guess it’s twofold. It’s important so women don’t feel alone in their struggle and for prevention. 

Are you open to sharing your story? Of course, only to whichever extent you feel comfortable.

Anonymous: Yeah...yeah. I was assaulted the first time… assaulted, I’ve actually never used that word.

Rebecca: Which word do you use?

Anonymous: I don’t really. It’s kind of like an experience. Maybe sexually abused. Assault feels very violent, and for me, it wasn’t ever violent. 

The first time, I must’ve been around 5 years old. I don’t have a clear timeline, which I realized once I went to therapy. I guess my coping mechanism was to block out a lot of it. I was around 5. And it ended when I was 11. It was ongoing. It was more than one person. And then it ended. I never spoke about it. To anybody. It was never something that came up…

Rebecca: Was it someone that you knew personally or someone in your family?

Anonymous: Yep. Both. One was a family member and one was a close family friend. 

Rebecca: Was it a related incident or two separate ones?

Anonymous: No. But statistics show once someone is abused once, the chances of them being abused again are that much higher. I’m not exactly sure why that is, but that’s what happened to me. 

I don’t even know if there was overlap. My timeline is so fuzzy.

Rebecca: Of course. It makes sense that you would block it out or not remember things.

Anonymous: I have the incidents and I have pieces of it. But I couldn’t tell you exactly when. I never spoke about it. I kind of connected some of my behaviors, but I never felt like a victim. It just wasn’t a part of my life moving forward in a way that was conscious to me. 

I never felt like it was something I needed to talk about. The stories you hear about self-sabotaging behaviors wasn’t how it manifested for me. 

I didn’t come up until I was dating my husband. I can’t even remember why I felt like I needed to tell him. I don’t even remember how it came up. I remember where I was sitting when I told him. It just kind of felt like the right time to say something and I told him.

I didn’t want to do anything with it. He was like, “Why haven’t you spoken to anyone?” The family member who abused me was always around, and he was like, “If you tell them, then he won’t be there.” I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t feel like there was a reason to. It happened. It was a part of my life. It’s over. I’m done.

I kinda left it at that.

It came up at different family events when he was there. I had to go through my own stuff. But when my son was a baby we were at my parents’ house. I found out they were sending pictures of my family to him. Then I lost it. I had to explain why I didn’t want pictures being sent to this relative. The whole story kind of came out at that point.

Then I started going to therapy. Even then I just wanted to move on.

Rebecca: So what pushed you to go to therapy at that point?

Anonymous: My family was like, you gotta deal with this. It was interesting because at some point both my parents were like, “That makes so much sense. All these things that we couldn’t figure out, now we get it.”

Rebecca: How did your parents feel about everything?

Anonymous: They were really sad. They were great and supportive. I couldn’t have asked for a better response than what I got from them. It was really a gift. 

And then I started the process of therapy. Obviously, there was a lot more to uncover than I thought there was. I’ve been in and out since then. It’s been 4 years.

Rebecca: Wow. What kind of therapy did you do?

Anonymous: I went to a trauma therapist. She’s wonderful. She works primarily with somatic experiencing. It’s an approach to trauma by using your body. Being in touch with where your body holds your different emotions and experiences. So I didn’t have to say anything I didn’t want to say. 

She uses other techniques, also, which I think is important with therapy. 

Rebecca: Did the abuse you experienced affect your body image and self-esteem?

Anonymous: So it wasn’t body image, it wasn’t self-esteem. I always had a decent relationship with my body, it wasn’t anything special. But I was like, “We’re ok.” I did think my body was here for other people, and that came out in my relationships throughout. 

I never saw my body how I was experiencing myself in the world. Pleasure was not even on the radar. During intimacy, I thought, “I’ll wait it out. It’ll be over when it’s over, and it’s fine.” 

I can only say all this now in retrospect. My body image shifted when I got married and I saw my body’s purpose as creating life, carrying a baby, nursing, it was a lot of that. There was a disconnect. It was my body, but it wasn’t mine. That’s an ongoing thing for me.

Rebecca: I am so sorry you went through all of that. When you say, “I didn’t feel like a victim,” I really feel that. The way you talk about your story doesn’t seem so emotional, which might be your way of dealing with this whole experience. Is that right?

Anonymous: Yes, I don’t know how healthy it is, but it is definitely my way of coping. I did have to go through what almost felt like guilt for the ways it affected me. I thought the abuse wasn’t “so bad,” and I thought I shouldn’t be so affected by it. It took going to therapy for me to process that. I put it into perspective and thought, “Well, you can say that for yourself, but can you say that for your daughter?” When I could see it through that lens, I was able to understand it better.

Compartmentalizing is the way I’ve survived for so long. It’s hard to shake it and let myself go to that emotional place outside of therapy. 

Rebecca: I completely get that. It makes a lot of sense. You are so strong and resilient.

Ok, so shifting gears a little bit, when did you think about doing a boudoir session? Was that after going to therapy?

Anonymous: I’ve been following your work forever. Since you started photography, and I just think you’re so talented and artistic. I loved seeing all the different women. I thought it was so beautiful and incredible. 

It took me really going to therapy to feel like I could do a session myself. 

I had a very clear awareness in my marriage of needing to not feel like “just a body.”

Rebecca: Like not just a sex object?

Anonymous: Right. When I was single, that’s what I thought I was. But when you’re in a relationship with someone who sees you for more than that, it’s a very delicate balance. So I thought that even if I did a boudoir session with you, I might not even tell him. 

When I went through therapy, I was able to say I have my marriage and it’s not going to just be pictures on a page for him and I thought, “I want to do this.”

Originally the session was for me, and then it evolved as a gift for him as well. 

Rebecca: What were your concerns going into the session?

Anonymous: I think the idea of being sexy was strange. I’ve been told I’m cute or pretty. But boudoir is a whole different level. I just didn’t know if I could do it.

I wanted it to be me. I wanted to recognize myself. I wasn’t sure how I would balance all of it or what to do with it. 

Rebecca: It seems like you went through an emotional journey, and you intuitively knew when you were ready for a session. What advice would you give to other people who have experienced sexual abuse and want to do a boudoir session? 

Anonymous: Just roll with it. Don’t feel pressured to do it now. It has to be completely for yourself. You’ll feel it when you’re ready. Especially for women who have gone through some type of therapeutic process and know how things affect them. But even if not, I would say keep looking at the pictures. Keep appreciating how beautiful and powerful women are. Read Rebecca’s blog. Keep that in the forefront of your mind, without pressure or expectation. Feel it out for yourself and wait until you internalize it enough that you feel ready. If you’re not sure if you’re ready, you’re probably not. But don’t give up on it. It’s not impossible or so far away. 

Rebecca: Amazing advice! Did something happen that made you feel ready? Did you have a breakthrough?

Anonymous: There were a couple of things that happened where I was forced to face what I believe in and who I am, in life in general. I was at a place where I was recognizing things in myself that I hadn’t been able to before. I appreciated myself as a person, as a human being, the strengths that I have, and things I can accomplish. I’m just not afraid anymore. 

Rebecca: Wow, that is so beautiful! So… how did you feel during the session? 

Anonymous: Oh my god, it was so fun! It was the best experience. I loved it. I really loved it. 

I just felt comfortable, like “I’m supposed to be here.”

Rebecca: This is the next step in your journey.

Anonymous: Yeah! I just felt very connected with myself. 

Rebecca: You didn’t feel that “separate” or “compartmentalized” feeling you spoke about before.

Anonymous: That was exactly it. It was very different for me. I had been getting in touch with my body during therapy, but it was separate parts. This was like, “This is all of me, and I’m here.” I was able to be present, and I didn’t think I would be able to do that going into it.

Rebecca: I’m so blown away. I think that being able to be present at any time is an amazing accomplishment. The fact that you were able to do that in a boudoir session is huge.

Anonymous: It was also during Corona, and we kept having to reschedule the shoot. There was a lot of just trying to get through the day, but then you’d think “What am I doing here? What is this life and this world?” I guess we were all kind of in that internal space anyway. It was cool. It was an incredible experience. 

Rebecca: It really was so special. Thank you for sharing that. What was your experience when you received the images for the first time?

Anonymous: I was in the middle of a class when I got your email, and I was so excited. When I finally got to go through them, I was blown away. Right away, I looked at them and was focused on whether my mouth was opened or closed. But that was just at first glance. Then when I went through them the second time, I was like “This is amazing.” I’m looking at someone that looks so far off from what that could be me, but also, that’s totally me. Obviously. I saw that right away.

Rebecca: That’s such an interesting experience. I think a lot of women feel the same way. On one hand, people say “I can’t believe it’s me,” but on the other hand, it’s 100% you, you just haven’t seen yourself in that way before. 

Were there any perceptions you had about yourself that changed or did you feel differently in your everyday life after the session? Did anything change or shift for you?

Anonymous: So, I’m totally sexy. That was different. 

I’m very on guard about what's my body, and what’s me. I realized that it doesn’t have to be that split. It’s not supposed to be. It’s all there all the time. If you let it be, then it will be. 

Rebecca: If you let it be, then it will be. Beautiful.

So this whole time, you didn’t tell your husband. That is incredible. 

Anonymous: Yes! I actually gave it to him on the day of his birthday.

Rebecca: What was his reaction?

Anonymous: He thought it was going to be pictures of the kids because I never print anything, and I’ve been saying I was going to make albums for so long. He was expecting the kids.

He opened it up. And it wasn’t the kids. He was like, “Oh my god! What is this?” as he turned the pages. Then he went through it again. He knows everything I’ve gone through, so it was really intense. He really appreciated it. 

Rebecca: And little did he know, you’ve been keeping it a secret for months and months!

So what are you taking away from this experience? Obviously, that you’re sexy. We know that. 

Anonymous: For me, this was a personal thing in terms of my own self-perception. But on a larger scale, we talk about how strong and capable women are. Yet societally there’s a divide between the things we’re capable of and how strong we are and then our bodies are seen separately. We haven’t found that balance of bringing it all together. It’s one or the other. When we address both parts it’s usually about childbirth. But there’s so much more to us than that. It can’t be the only time we’re seen as body and soul. We are all of those things all the time.

Rebecca: I love that this is the theme of your inner work. That integration.

Anonymous: Integration. That’s the world I haven’t been able to find this whole interview. Yeah, I think that’s really important.

Going back to sexual assault, if we could see ourselves that way from the beginning and raise our daughters to see themselves as both body and soul, not either-or, I think that would go a long way. Even if we can’t prevent everything, because you never know what’s going to happen, it will help in terms of how women come back from these experiences. 

Rebecca: I completely agree with you. I’ve heard some feminist thinkers say that we shouldn’t be focused on appearances, so we should avoid calling our daughters beautiful, but I think that can be really harmful too. We are both body and soul, and that should be seen and appreciated and loved.

Question for you. Do you feel proud of yourself?

Anonymous: Yeah. I do. The fact that I did this, the way it came out, how comfortable I was doing it.

Rebecca: Just a few years ago, you couldn’t have even imagined yourself doing a boudoir session.

Anonymous: No. I never would’ve done it a few years ago. It wouldn’t have occurred to me as something I could even think about doing. There was just such a huge disconnect, and it took time for me to come back around to that. I’m glad that I did. 

With this boudoir session, it was like saying, “Here’s all of me.”

The way we view ourselves versus the way the people who love us see us can be really different. 

Rebecca: I’m speechless. Wow. 

Is there any last message that you’d want to give to survivors?

Anonymous: The awareness around sexual abuse is important. I could totally be projecting, I’m not sure if other women feel this way, but your experience is your own. Whatever it was for you or how you felt about it or what it did to your relationship with your body or with yourself, it’s yours and that’s ok. There’s no way it’s supposed to be. There’s no process you have to go through or things you have to feel or a timeline. It’s completely your own. You have to give yourself space for love and compassion and healing.